Facing East Again

I’m not going to promise that I have all the answers, or even all the questions, I’m just making the commitment to let you in on the journey of a thousand steps, to take you with me as I seek out my OWN truths through books, rituals, music, and self exploration, and to open up dialog with anyone who is willing to share their experiences without preaching.

Chances are, if you are reading this post, you already know me or have read some of the other things I have written. Maybe you have been a friend of mine for years, like Raicara and Serin? Maybe you started following my diary years ago at OpenDiary.com and followed a link over here when I stated that I was starting a new project. Maybe you follow me on Twitter (@moonslark). Maybe you have read my personal blog, Frozen Nowhere. Maybe you saw a comment that I made on another blog that we both read…

Maybe you just happened across this page through a sheer act of web magick.

Whatever way you have come to land on my virtual doorstep, Welcome Friend. Welcome to my “home”. Welcome to my table.

I have chosen to create in this place a blog who’s focus is the exploration of my spiritual path. Yes, I could have chosen to write about spirituality in my personal blog, and I might do so every once in awhile, but I found that I had so much to say of a non-spiritual nature that the spiritual voice was drowned out. And while my spirituality SHOULD be a part of my day-to-day life, it really wasn’t able to be a focal point for me up until this point.

I wanted a place where I could truly focus ONLY on finding my way back onto my spiritual path.

I see spirituality as a daily walk, not as something defined and set before me. Some people define their spirituality under a framework of a religion — there is a set of rites, rituals and dogmas that a group of people come together to worship. Some people define their spirituality in a less set manner… its based on the prickles of power, the joys of things both shared and individual, and they may not have a group that agrees on set rituals or ideas… they seek, they reach, they walk the path.

Walking a spiritual path is not just a Pagan thing, although I happen to consider myself Pagan. Walking a spiritual path, or a spiritual journey, happens when someone follows their heart and not what someone else tells them to do, when they are guided by what works for them, what sings to THEIR soul, what presents itself as opportunity to see things a different way or to see the spiritual in something that hasn’t traditionally been considered “spirit filled”…

I have never really been that good at following what everyone says is “how to do it”… and that goes for my feelings about the Divine. I realize now I was meant to walk my own path and forge my OWN understanding of the world of the divine.

I spent my childhood in traditional protestant churches seeking ANY feeling, any connection to the big white bearded dude in the sky. I attended, I prayed, I read the bible, I asked Jesus into my heart… and I never “got it”. I was left empty by the rituals and words and ceremonies.

I spent my adolescence exploring different flavours of christianity, in hopes that I would find one that engaged me and brought the sense of joy and wonder that I saw in others. I went from church to church, youth group to youth group, talked to friends and family members about religion and spirituality. I read books about religions other than what I was brought up believing. I met Baha’is and entered into conversation with them. I met Mormons and attempted to understand their feeling of connection to the Divine. And I found books on Paganism…

Since Paganism in general, and Wicca in particular, were the first religious traditions that seemed to speak to my need to find INDIVIDUAL rituals and processes to connect to what I found Divine. I dedicated myself to Wicca, went through a process of study for a year and a day… and became part of a Pagan community in my area.

For years my spiritual needs were met with fear of my xFIL and xMIL’s reaction, disgust by my husband, and anxiety. When our first child was born my exhusband demanded that our son be given a biblical name to please his father, I wasn’t allowed to have my pentacle with me during labour because his mother and SIL wanted to be in the room, and I wasn’t allowed to play music while birthing because his parents didn’t approve of secular music.

And from that point on my spirituality was completely “illegal” in our home –my ex used the threat of me having my children taken from my (by my in-laws) because if they found out that I was Pagan they would petition the court that I was “unfit” — and the children were not allowed to know anything of what I believed, what I connected to. Instead my xFIL’s church was the ONLY “Word” that the children were allowed to know of religion…

And it made ME miserable.

Eventually my marriage ended…

You’d have thought, like some people in my life, that the first thing that I would have done, given my freedom from the church of FIL was to reassert my own spirituality.

But it didn’t happen like that.

After years of fear and anxiety surrounding my spirituality, after years of disconnection from the divine I wasn’t fully able to just dive back into Wicca where I left off. I was busy putting my life back in order — dealing with moving out, getting a new job, dealing with legal and financial issues, and trying to put things back together to create a loving and normal life for my kids.

Years and years ago I felt drawn to Wicca and dedicated myself to a Wiccan Path… now I am not so sure. I am ready to explore the vast pool of Spirituality that is out there and find out what resonates with MY soul. While I still feel that I am essentially PAGAN, I have to find out what I need, what I want, what gives me that special sparkling feeling that signals a connection to the divine and the soul within…

This is my Journey back to connection, this is my dedication to discovering what works best for myself and my family.